these days

Some days, I hate everything.

Some days, I'd give anything to go back to where we were.

Some days, I wish that I hadn't introduced you two.

Some days, I don't miss you at all.

But some days, I wonder why I miss you in the first place.

cn't lwys gt wht you wnt

last night someone said this to me:
"You changed my life. You're perfect. I wouldn't change a single thing about you."

They said that you're making a huge mistake in not loving me.

All I can say is, i need to surround myself with more people like that. You constantly let me down and disappoint me.

It's time to let you go and it's time to finally move on with my life.

comfort zone

it is terrifying that the tears that fall as soon as the sun does have become normal to me. something about nighttime moves in the core of my being and shakes me. i cry because i don't know what else to do. i cry because i'm not sure how to deal with this. i cry because you're gone. and most importantly, i cry because it's all i've ever known.

envy

I would do anything to feel nothing. I wonder what it's like to be like you and hurt people but not think twice about it. Maybe you like the feeling of control. I don't know, it could just be that you're a huge bitch. Whatever it is, I hope you know you make me fucking sick.

.

i wanna hate you so much. but that's hard to do when i love you so much.

oneirology

dreams are a funny thing.
In one sense of the word, we are dormant in bed, letting our imagination run wild. In most cases, we have no control over where our minds wonder.
In the other definition, we are setting goals for our future. We are planning what we want to do.

Therefore, in one sense of the word, we are free-
and in the other, we are tied down.

All I ask: Let me be free.

dial me

i like that i'm still the person you call when you're drunk.

chains

A little less than a year ago, i put on these chains. They've started to grow strong and almost devour any hope I have to make it to tomorrow. They are so heavy. I'm weighed down, carrying this burden that I never asked for.

Today, I broke these chains. I'm free from them and I can breathe and I can see clearly and I can live. Oh, I am alive. It feels so good to stretch these tired limbs that have seen nothing but dullness for so long. I hope to never encounter such chains and shackles again.

variable

if you want this to go away, please- be a part of the solution, not the problem.

spoiled rotten

I'm in a crowded room but my eyes are fixated on you. I can't stop staring and I think you're beginning to notice. Every time your fingertips graze the fold in my shirt, shivers shoot up my spine. My head is spinning.

It's dark now and we're alone. You've had a little to drink and your inhibitions have disappeared. I'm confused by your advances but I let it continue because it's what I want. You kiss me like you mean it, which only adds to my confusion. Teeth pull on my bottom lip and I'm finally here. This is heaven.

I have never felt this before. I'm still confused and I'll never get the answers to my questions, which is why I hesitate to ask them.

You spoiled me with your lips and now I want more. It's a terribly empty feeling and I am so sorry I am stuck feeling it.

i see you

i know you're reading this. and i know what you want me to say.

and i know it's hard right now. and i don't remember a time when it wasn't.

but i also know that these past three hundred and fifty-two days have changed me forever.

and i know that i'm stronger because of you. ...and because of what you put me through.

and i'm not angry and i'm not mad and i don't regret anything at all. i know you do but that's okay.

and i know it's all okay and i know that even when it isn't, it will be soon. and i know you taught me that.

and i know i'm a jerk and you don't like me sometimes but i just hope you love me all the time.

and i know you're reading this. and i hope i've said what you wanted to hear.

half empty

pessimist (ps-mzm) n. 1. A tendency to stress the negative or unfavorable or to take the gloomiest possible view

I hate to think I'm one of those, but I'm starting to think I am.

Currently:
mourning the loss of a love that was one breathtaking
contemplating what to do with you
thanking you for showing me that everyone is real and no one is perfect
hating you for breaking my heart and soul

I wonder what it's like to be in your shoes. You know, the breaker instead of the break-ee. Is it easier? Do you not feel anything when you stick that knife in my chest?

Lucky you.

3 words that become hard to say

I'm not in love with you anymore.
I'm in love with the idea of what you should have been.
I'm in love with the feeling you used to give me.
But not anymore.

I do not love you.
This time I can actually say; it's you. it's not me.

isolation

it's like this:

have you ever been in a situation that will simply not resolve itself? it's a tunnel with no light at the end, it's a cloud with no silver lining, it's an Oreo with no cream filling; it's hopeless.

I honestly do not know what to do with myself anymore. I can be extremely happy, experiencing an "on top of the world" euphoric feeling one minute, and the next- I'm sobbing. The thing that eats away at me the most is that it's all because of another person. Now, don't get me wrong, people are there to lean on in times of need. All we have is each other. However, that's only after we have ourselves. People are not to be depended on. In my experience, no one will be more honest with you than yourself.

Why is this person the exception to my theory? They've found the loophole, they know where I'm weak, and they continually attack in that very place. The end is nowhere in sight.

I need to learn to stop depending on this person for my happiness, because clearly, they're not doing an adequate job supplying it.